Sigh.

I miss camming. I miss camming on iFriends.

Browsing through the site and my friends’ profiles and archives, I feel positively *nostalgic*. I miss being alone in my studio apartment *working it*. I miss the thrill of never knowing what the night would bring. I miss checking my stats and seeing the money add up. I miss performing a one-on-one service. I miss PERFORMING. I even miss the boredom of sitting around waiting for customers. I miss the comradery I had with other camgirls. I miss hearing men’s voices and secrets. I miss feeling like I was doing a good job. I miss knowing I made one person at a time feel good. I miss the duality of solitude and connection. I miss the gamble of that being my sole source of income. I miss the feeling of discovery.

I’ve never felt this longing for a job or period of time in my life before. It’s not that I want to be where I was six years ago or that I don’t love what I do now (running our own paysites) but I do want to recapture certain elements of that old life when it was new, and I think getting back to doing private shows and phone sex would refresh me. I guess I remember that as a focused time in my life when things were simpler and less convoluted. I didn’t have as many choices for what to do with my time to make money, and my customers made so many decisions for me. There was a bigger adrenaline rush to the whole thing. Now I have such a variety of duties and ideas and possibilities and to-do’s and scattered half-finished projects I feel overwhelmed and have a hard time motivating myself and making efficient decisions.

I realize that these are stupid things to complain about, and that if I want to start camming again I can . . . right now. But I love the bed I’ve made for myself and I wouldn’t slow my progress to sit around in an empty chatroom trying to build up regulars just to satisfy some silly sentimental escapist notions.

The only reason I’m posting this is to give people an idea of how addictive this kind of work can be. It makes you feel a certain way that I don’t think any other job can. It feeds your ego, it feels like a total gamble (because you NEVER KNOW how much money you will or won’t make or how much traffic you’ll have), and you hear things from other people that you will never ever EVER hear anywhere else. Oh sure, you might hear stories and confessions and all kinds of stuff as a reporter or therapist or priest, but you won’t be hearing them in the context of sex work as they are openly masturbating and that makes all the difference in the world.

As a camgirl you put on a spectacularly cheap and convincing charade. In that little 320×240 window a girl with acne scars can appear to have flawless skin. A thick girl can be a goddess. Get just the right camera angle and D cup boobs become giant EE’s. Donning a cheap pair of supermarket pantyhose can earn you more lucrative adoration than the most expensive pair of Wolford tights you could find. They have one window into a world you created, pointed at one tidy corner of a room, and you close that window when the show is over. You have complete control over that little space and even though it’s tiny, it takes over the customer’s entire field of vision. It can take over YOUR OWN. You can let yourself think that if you’re good in that 320×240, if you LOOK good and you smile and you earn your money and they thank you and promise to come back for more next time, that you may as well be perfect, and the laundry piling up doesn’t exist, the unwashed dishes are meaningless, and huffing down a bowl of top ramen is all the sustenance you need. All you have to do is make enough money to pay your rent and buy your next cheap pair of pantyhose and maybe a shiny $12 bargain slimvibe. Nobody has to know that your hair is greasy and that you spent six hours laying in bed watching Forensic Files today. You don’t have to be ambitious, you just have to look good when you turn that cam on and you’re 320 pixels high. And that’s easy. Even if you’re ugly you will find someone out there who will pay you to be ugly JUST FOR THEM. And they’ll tell you you’re beautiful. And pay you. It’s a thrill you never get over. You might need a break from it but a week, a month, a year or five years down the line YOU WILL MISS BEING A WHORE, 320×240.

CLICK HERE to browse the babes in their boxes.

Note: viewers are no longer limited to 320×240 windows — the quality of feeds has improved dramatically since I started camming in 2000. Some chathosts even broadcast in HD, and there are a few who offer multiple-cam angles and even 3D.